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Jessie James

Sunday, 4 January 2009

2009 A NEW YEAR

Well as I sit here in a new year looking back at the old and contemplating the future I realise that I have a serious problem. I am sure it is not unique and that it is shared by many out there.

What is this contagious disease? - Well I think it is called introspection or some such word. I am so busy looking at what is past and dwelling on the ifs and if only's. If I had done this, things would be different. If I had gone to university I am sure life would be better. If I did not get diabetes probably from abusing my temple then I would not have this and that problem.

If I make sure my temple is better treated next year then life will be so much better. That may be true but they are not solving anything. What is past is past - I can do nothing about it. I have to accept that I made mistakes and heck if you think on it I am sure I enjoyed the ride at the time. I enjoyed partying and having fun. I love good food. What can be better than a good piece of cheese and a glass of red wine or a really good port.

One of the things I find hardest to forgive is that I was not at my Mom's funeral. She suddenly took a turn for the worse and had very little time left. We had booked a 2 week vacation in France with my Mum-in-Law and I felt it best to go with her.

My mum was unconscious and did not know we were there. I had spent time with her during the few weeks before hand and honestly believed that it would all be over before we left, but she hung on and finally gave up two days after I left. I had hugged her before leaving even though she did not know me by then and was unconscious. I had been and arranged the funeral and everything so that the rest family would be spared that task - I am the baby with brothers who are 12 years older than me. My only request to them was that the funeral would not be on the 15th May as that is my daughters Birthday. Well when Mom died on the 11th guess what - that's right it was held on the 15th. So my daughter and I went to a sacristy and put a red rose there for Mom and asked Gods blessing. She had spent the previous night in the church under Gods roof. I am sure she had found peace after the pain.

Why the story? Because maybe by writing it down and sending it into space I will give myself a break and realise that I was there when needed not when it looked good to the public. Mom I loved you very much and I still do, but it is time to forgive myself as I know you already have.

This holiday season has been hard as my hubby was not here with us. We missed him so much, but what was important is that I put Christ into Christmas by going to the service at Northfield Methodist with Trevor Hudson. He asked that we give a gift to God and asked the children to come and see what the gift was that he had in a box. My grandson went up and came back to tell us it was a mirror and he saw himself in it. My goal this year is to try and give myself to God every day by giving myself. I think that I can do this by passing on his message of love in the world.

So to everyone out there I send my love and just want to say to you - don't dwell on the past - God loves you and knows what is in your heart. Go into the future with love for all and smile at the stranger in the street, I find this helps to stop muggings if nothing else as people find your smile infectious and have to pass it on or be nice. In the words of an old Jim Reeves song - 'A Strangers Just a Friend You Do Not Know'.

Love to you all and have a great year and enjoy every minute of it like it was your last - as some time it will be.

Hugs

Jessie

2 comments:

Denise said...

This was lovely Jessie! You're right, and a smile or kind word costs nothing! See you soon.
Hugs
Denise
oxoxox

Jaqi said...

Oh Jessie , what a moving post, did you ever think maybe that your mum was able to go because you were not there, I believe that sometimes they feel that its hard to go and leave you, afraid of how you will manage or cope with the situation, but your mum waited until you were away somewhere, enjoying yourself and she was happy in the knowledge that she could slip away and not have to put you through that.
I am also a firm believer that god only puts us in the situations that are right for us, so maybe it was just meant to be that way. Dont beat yourself up about it, it wont changge anything, instead celebrate what you had with your mum when she was here , she wont have left you altogether, shes always with you, so smile, light a candle , she will see it and be pleased, Jaqi x